Selfishness

First week of work down. Im feeling pretty good about it. Its going to be a big learning experience.  I have been in Elementary Education for almost 9 years now. I have limited experience in Early Childhood Education (my new position is in PreK/ECI) but am not too worried about it. I have been so blessed to work with some amazing ladies. My boss gave me a huge hug on the first day and welcomed me to the family. This is a huge shift for me. The administration and I have had an interesting past to say the least. I have never felt like a part of the team until now.
This further proves to me that good things do come to those who wait. I’ve tried all my life to live on my time. Pushing things that weren’t meant to happen and suffering the consequences.  I never reflected on my selfish attitude.  Now many people would say, “Selfish, no! Not her.” I have been told that im very selfless and even an angel by a few which always makes me giggle. If people only knew. But yes, selfish me, its very true. When I was drinking I would make up excuses to why I couldn’t go somewhere or do something. I missed out on a lot of things.  My close friend lost her job while I was off in intoxication candy land. I had no clue. I felt awful.  Truly I did…. until my next drink. Any time I felt something painful I would just pick up the bottle. Putting a bandaid on a huge gaping spiritual wound, then rubbing salt in it over and over agin.
Now, can I still be selfish?  Hell yeah I can. Its human nature. A character flaw. Admitting it gets me one more step towards selflessness. I have to constantly remind myself that I AM NOT IN CONTROL, AND I NEVER WAS. Things don’t happen on my time,  they happen in God’s time. This sounds way too slow for some people which I agree.  In the end I know that there is a plan. You can fight it or deny it but your just making things harder for yourself. 
Im still trying to “walk humbly with my God”. Sometimes I trip, which isn’t far from me in real life.  I have been blessed with the most ungraceful moves. Thanks mom! Sometimes I sit down during this walk and cuss God out for all the crap thrown at me. Sometimes I plead with God for something, begging on my hands and knees. Sometimes I crawl, and sometimes I lay down and feel like I cant go on. But what I have found to be true 100% of the time is that,  when you just walk humbly in the moment things are much easier. So take a walk. See what you find. Maybe life is in the mistakes, and is through them that you find a way to walk humbly with your God.

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Walk humbly…

Iv been MIA for awhile. Sorry about that. Things are starting to get busy. I go back to work Today. I never thought I would say thank God I’m going back to work, but thank God I’m going back to work! You would think that laying around the house all day would be so fun. No plans, just relaxation. Well its not fun when you can’t drive and no one comes to see you because you had the brilliant idea to move far away from your friends and family to start a new family. Seriously, I don’t recommend it. Unless you hassultedwretched family you cant stand, then by all means, move to Alaska or someplace else no one will visit.

So I have been thinking a lot lately about my past. Usually late at night when im trying to fall asleep, before the horse tranquilizers kick in. Yes, I have to drug myself to sleep. I have inherited insomnia and the flashbacks and nightmares don’t help either. I have two friends in particular I think about often before going to bed. My memories playing out on screen and my eyes pried open like in A Clockwork Orange. I cant shake it sometimes. This is particularly annoying when I have a flashback from being assulted.  I wish I had a mental eraser, a big one lol. Even if I did I probably wouldn’t use it. These memories make my sobriety work. They are reminders. The reminded me that I had some serious apologising to do to my two friends. 

I knew that I really annoyed one of the two because he was always saving me from drunk driving or cleaning up my messes. I justified my drinking because of my shitty marriage. I thought I could drink through it. Im not sure where I thought that would end up.  The other was my drinking buddy so it never crossed my mind that I had hurt her so deeply.  We were partners in crime.  Don’t partners understand each other? Not quite. Especially when one partner doesn’t know when to quit. I put her in danger numerous times and have to live with it. 

I finally said my peace to her over text messages because I knew she wasn’t going to answer my calls. Shitty way of apologizing but it worked. I probably would have cried my eyes out if I did it in person. I have been truly blessed having her in my life. She accepted me back without question. I am learning that if I can count my friends on even just one hand I have been blessed and am rich. I have come to terms with the fact that the other friend who I spoke about before may never forgive me. To be honest,  I wouldn’t forgive me if I was him. I was seriously horrible to him. Just another reminder of my past, and how I want my future to be better. A pastor friend of mine always ended every service with this charge that I try to live my life by. Ill leave you with it.

Now go to do justice,  love kindness,  and walk humbly with your God.

It only hurts when I breathe

Today im not doing so well. I recently had surgery which im sure you know has a recovery process involving lots of rest, fluids, and Netflix. Today was the first day I could get the surgery site wet. Iv been waiting anxiously to take a real shower.  I imagined it would be glorious to feel warm water running across my skin instead of a cold sponge bath. My dream abruptly ended when I rolled out of bed with some pretty obnoxious back pain. Apparently the couch has decided that its had enough of me. Iv had enough of it really. I don’t do well cooped up inside.  I think iv watered the plants so muxh they are drowning. All of my friends are getting in last minute vacations before going back to school or are too lazy to come see me. Bummer.

The issue it seems to me is that I am paying for the sins of my youth. All the times I was in pain physically and emotionally I would drink through it. You can’t feel too much when your drunk. That in combination that im naturally clutzy has made for some painful injuries. I hate going to the doctor so I would get hurt and just shrug it of unless broken or bleeding.

Now I have to learn to cope without drinking. Which entails a lot of Netflix,  random internet searches, hiking, exploring,  and of course writing. I wish that this heating pad on my back would help conjure up warm and fuzzy memories for me to write about but today is not the day. Maybe its not turned up high enough. Anyway, happy Friday everyone.  Have a great weekend. Learn something new, laugh a little,  and love someone. ❤

Sittin on the dock of the bay…

I grew up on the shores of the Chesapeake Bay. Sun, sand, crabs, beer, beer, beer. Yeah lots of beer. I remember the cans of Pabst Blue Ribbon piling up beside the fire. Crickets, kadydids, and lightning bugs. The night was humming. It was magical. Easy living in SoCo. Where the neighbors didn’t give a fuck what you did, as long as you did it on your property. If there was a dispute you didn’t call the law, you settled it on your own. You rode your bike everywhere, even forging paths between neighborhoods for easier access to friends. We were trailblazers, and we ran this town. At least until the street lights came on or your momma screamChesapeake Bay - Rosehaven, MDed your name out the back door.

I remember looking at my father and his friends in the moonlight by the fire and thinking how cool they must be. I mean come on…. the can itself had a ribbon on it. Like the ribbons we got in school for best artwork or field day. Yeah that’s it! Drinking must come with a prize right? Like your favorite sugar cereal. Except their prize would come later on in life in the form of cirrhosis, cardiovascular disease, high blood pressure, pancreatitis, and all too frequently death. It’s unfortunate that I didn’t begin to make the connection between alcohol and death until my own alcoholism was in full swing. Even still I shrugged it off and drank more to mask the pain of losing another beloved.

Later on in my life I would get my prize and it would sweep me off my feet and knock my whole world upside down. Life as I knew it was over. Everything I was, how my life was structured, my friends, my family. Everything would have to change. But how? This is too big. Where do I begin? Months later I would realize the answer to my questions… with the first step.

Why blog?

Someone once told me “more people in your life, more problems.” Which in my case happens to be true. I was raised on toxic niceness which ultimately leads to being stepped on and used. The older I get the more I realize that my tolerance for bullshit has gotten very low. I don’t need to focus my time and energy on anyone who isn’t genuine. Thus my segue into blogging. I deleted my Facebook account, jumped ship and swam to WordPress with the suggestion of a dear friend of mine who has read part of my unpublished memoirs. Apparently I make poor choices when im drunk which has lead to an interesting life. That being said, do I care if you read this? No. Do I care if you like or dislike it? No. This blog is for me. If you want to ride along then buckle up. Lets go.